I’m So White

I got straight A’s chose French class
over Spanish when I finally took Spanish
I got all the homework wrong cuz my mom
said the teacher’s Spanish was all messed up.
I was so white, I hated tacos. I was so white,
I hated beans, I was so white, I thought

I was dirty. I was so white, I stopped playing
softball so I wouldn’t get so dark in summer
anymore. I was so white, I called my friend
Carlos midnight because he was so dark.
I’m so white I don’t think it’s a big deal.
I’m so white I conflate being Latinx with

being Black. I’m so white, I never give props
to Black people for the oldiez that make me feel
like myself. I was so white I was afraid
of the dark. I’m so white I’m still afraid
of the dark. I’m so white I’m afraid of people.
Like, any people. I’m so white I’m afraid

of even poor white people! I’m so white
I’m staring at a lake right now,
writing a poem. I’m so white I’m wearing
a cardigan with pearls on it. I’m so white
I only ever dated white boys in my teens.
I’m so white I never thought about why

I only dated white boys in my teens.
I’m so white I was thankful my white
boyfriends cried for Black people
and migrants in cages. I’m so white,
I like to read poems about Black people
and migrants in cages. I’m so white,

I’m super angry right now. I’m so
white, I’m angry at white people.
I’m so white, I’m not exhausted yet.
I’m so white, you should listen
to this one podcast. I’m so white,
my syllabus is the same every year

but I will never ever get fired. I’ll
get tenure. I’m so white, I say racist shit
about white women not winning the Pulitzer
or being eclipsed by poets of color and cry
in my beautiful home and use my book
contracts to wipe my tears. I’m so white,

I’m really uncomfortable right now.
I’m so white, I think my discomfort might
be suffering. I’m so white, actually, I am suffering!
I’m so white I am an individual. I’m so white,
I want to know how I can help, but know
that I am asking as an individual. I’m so

white, we gotta do better, I say. I’m so white
I’m having an identity crisis right now.
I’m so white I don’t know where I came from
but I could look it up. I’m so white, when people
tell me to go back I say to where? I’m from here!
And forget research exists. I’m so white

like now more than ever! I’m so white, I say
people voted for Trump based on economic issues.
I’m so white, I defend white people
I never met
or will never meet
and will never know.

 I’m so white I stand up for poor white people
over Black Latinx AAPI or Indigenous or any
other people who are poor but maybe
who are not people.
I’m so white, I’m crying in this meeting.
I’m so white, I’m crying in this meeting.

I’m so white, I’m crying in this meeting.
I’m so white I’m crying in this meeting
next to this beautiful lake. I’m so white
only my friends of color can console me.
I’m so white I look to nature so I’m not
distracted by what’s going on. I’m so white,

 did you know my daughter is in college
and very political. I’m so white I’m relieved
to be at this artist residency so I can
take up the work at hand. I’m so white,
I see trees and think about dignity and
I think I deserve to think about trees.

Sara Borjas is a Xicanx pocha and a Fresno poet. Her debut collection of poetry, Heart Like a Window, Mouth Like a Cliff was published by Noemi Press in 2019 and received a 2020 American Book Award. Sara was named one of Poets & Writers 2019 Debut Poets and is a 2017 CantoMundo Fellow. She stays rooted in Fresno. Find her @saraborhaz or at www.saraborjas.com.